Taking the leap again.

Time to go into this like a marathon, instead of a sprint.

This time 2 years ago, I was working full-time in the bustling city of Jakarta, juggling a upcoming promotion and fulfilling my deadlines before the sales month came to an end. I was out the door at 9 in the morning and would usually get back at 8pm. Most nights I would be asleep by 10 because I literally did not have energy left in me to do anything else.

As busy as I was, it was exciting, thrilling, to be in that constant state of activity. To always wake up and have a list of things to do, to never have to wonder what the day would be like because my job had that covered. Ready to seize the moment and would always be on my toes. It was wonderful.

But then if I look back a year ago today, I just resigned from my last job. I was packing my things up to move back to my hometown (that I had sworn I would never move back to) and I felt relieved? All I remember feeling was how exhausted I was. How the past two years had taken a toll on me or more accurately, I let it change me.

I reflected and felt that, I was in a rush to graduate and as soon as I did, I was already working in a new city, new company, with new expectations for myself. At some point, I didn’t know what I even wanted anymore. It just felt like if I wasn’t busy with something, then I was failing. If I didn’t know where I was going, then I was going to be left behind. And I hated that feeling.

I have been back home for a year now and I can’t tell you the amount of times that I have had gusts of insecurities. Like I was missing out on something or wasting my time when my friends were climbing the corporate ladder. Alot of days I just felt trapped. I couldn’t stand where I was but I didn’t have the courage to walk forward. I was a coward and still am in a lot of ways.

Another thing that bothers me is if I fail, I am already disappointed in myself and to top it all off, there will always be others that see me as a someone gives up. It makes me wonder, am I really like that? Am I not who I thought I was? How many more times do I have to keep starting over? Am I the problem? It makes me wonder why bother trying at all.

But…I know I can’t keep staying like this. I know that I am much more fortunate than others and I can’t keep complaining when I’m the one not taking the leap. I just feel like sometimes staying here, in the agony of uncertainty, is better than the pain of rejection or failing.

In the end, life is about choices. Choosing which hardship/pain you must endure. As much as I hate to admit and execute it, I’d rather endure and look back knowing that I tried my best than giving up now just because of what others say or even worse — what I say about myself. So here’s to getting back in the race, not for a sprint, but for a marathon.