No more chasing feelings.
Time to chase growth instead.
In one of my favorite songs from the show ‘Julie and the Phantoms’ there is a lyric that says;
“I gotta keep on dreaming, cause I gotta catch that feeling.”
I loved this statement. I think my whole life revolved around it at some point, the thrill of chasing that feeling. Whatever it may be. A new challenge at work, a new game with my boyfriend, a new experience with my family. I had started thinking that if I don’t feel something, then it’s not real. I have gotten addicted to the feeling and not the process of making that feeling more than just a fleeting moment.
If I’m being really honest, it might be a big reason why I left some of my jobs. Because it stopped feeling good, stopped feeling exciting. It’s why people leave 3 month relationships after chasing their partner for a year. That thrill isn’t there anymore and they’re hit with this realization that it’s actually a lot of work having a relationship. It’s a huge basis of why people get addicted to alcohol or substances, cause they’re all chasing the feeling of when they use it. They crave for it, long for it. And so did I.
I feel like I’m getting off an addiction now. I’m so used to running — sprinting even in life. I’m one month into my 2 month planned break and there are a lot of good days but there are so many days where I hate myself and I wonder what the heck I’m doing. It’s like having withdrawal symptoms, it makes me want to get a job as soon as possible so I can start sprinting again. But I have applied to so many jobs and haven’t gotten any information back.
Thinking about it now, maybe it’s for the best. If I get a job right now, I may not be able to handle it. I’ll just go back onto that little hamster wheel that nearly killed me the last time I got on it and I’ll just be stuck in this never-ending loop of chasing that feeling, a feeling that is not sustainable or consistent.
Amazing things are supposed to take time. The best relationships bloom when you put in the freaking work for it. If I’m searching for some temporary means to fill the void inside me THAT ISN’T EVEN THERE then I should stay on that hamster wheel. But Alhamdulillah I’ve been given a second chance to break out of the cycle and choose the few things that matter to me and put work into it. Which means I’ll keep chasing growth, no matter how painful it may be at times and work for a better future than in the moment happiness.
